well it's amazing how plans change in a blink of an eye. I had all these little romantic plans for yesterday and what we would do as a family, a special supper, everything. But it changed, in a New York Minute. I have to talk about it today because I need to say words I didn't get to yesterday. and I think sometimes when I write it on my blog it's like a diary, it's easier than saying it, and since I'm not doing too well today I need to talk.
I received a call that my grandpa was not doing well, and that all the family should come in. This beautiful man will be 96 this year and has lived a wonderful life. He did make it through the night but it won't be too long now as his health is fading fast, and he now isn't aware of us I'm told. For me it was no thought about what day it was, my heart, me, I needed to be by my family, his side. and my own family is so supportive. Vday for us will be when it is a better moment now. and the boys are okay with this. such sweeties.
I think I'm strong, or maybe I pretend to be, I don't know. I don't shed many tears, as I guess I'm too much of a rock or stubborn. but I hurt yesterday watching my grandpa, watching my gramma by his side just loving him so much as if nothing has ever changed. I have a million things I want to tell him, how he has been such a role model for me, how he has always made me feel so special, how the music he played was so beautiful, the way he romanced gramma everyday was so envious, how I liked that when he was 85,he and I did hand stands against the wall (his strength was amazing) how I enjoyed living with them for my University years, how I liked his opinions of losers I dated and then how he knew it was right when Jim came along, I loved watching his absolute adoration for our kids, how he was so excited to see his first great grandchild, how his words were always so kind to everyone, never a mean word said ever, how he'd tell stories always, oh how I long to hear one more story, I could go on forever, but I didn't say these things to him. I couldn't even get them out. I just wanted to focus on being strong for gramma so she wouldn't cry, I just wanted to pretend that the inevitable wasn't coming. I tried to just act like this was another bump that he would be coming out of. I am so selfish right now, I don't like this part of life, I don't deal well with it. I guess that I have such strong relationships with those close to me, especially my family that it's hard to be real sometimes. Every part of me knows that he has lived a great, amazing life! Like Jim said last night, your grandfather was amazing, he swam across a part of the Great Lakes with his brother only to be turned back by U.S. customs. how many people try a feat like that? he kept reminding me of things I need to remember to pass on to our kids so they know how wonderful this great man is. We explained what is happening to the kids and Riley is so sad, he wants to see him, but unfortunately it would not be in his best interest as he is a little too young to see what is happening. So he is also walking around sad today. I want to have weeks more with grampa, but again that is just being selfish, so instead I pray that he falls asleep peacefully. I don't know what this week holds but I want to spend every minute there. You know it's funny, Jan.9th he had to go into the home because gramma is too petite to care for him anymore, he still is a large man (never an ounce overweight but built like an ox even to this day) he has been doing consistently the same for years, but I truly believe that his heart broke without being by gramma's side all day & night long. This is my absolute Valentine's story, their love has been so true for almost 64-65 years getting through absolute tragic times, through the depression, through everything, raising 5 kids. I want this. A love so true till the end.
I will end with this as I can barely see anymore. I am weak.
Leica, i am soooo sad to hear about your grandpa, i know how much he means to all of you and how much you must be hurting for your grandma. He is a truly remarkable man and has been such an influence on all of your lives, this is priceless. I know the words are hard to say to him, but just know that he is well aware of the special bond that he has with you and every member of your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your entire family please pass my best wishes to all of them. I wish i could hug you all! So ...XOXOX
Posted by: tina hessdorfer | February 16, 2008 at 08:55 AM
May the Lord give you the peace that passes all understanding and may He be your portion as you say goodbye to a wonderful grandfather who has left you with endearing memories and who has been such an intrigal part of your life. This closeness is a blessing beyond measure. Praying for you.
Posted by: Julie Cortens | February 16, 2008 at 01:46 AM
Leica I am so sorry to hear about your wonderful grandfather. It is never easy to lose a loved one, especially when you are so close to them.
Take care
Pam
Posted by: pam | February 15, 2008 at 10:11 PM
you are not weak. it's not weak to feel. it's ok to feel. you've written an amazing tribute to your grandfather, and i think you're an amazing woman. ((hugs & prayers))
Posted by: corinne | February 15, 2008 at 08:05 PM
Oh Lecia, that is a beautiful story. I am so sorry to hear things are not going so well for him.
Your family our in our thoughts and prayers....
Posted by: Juli Cragg | February 15, 2008 at 07:36 PM
I had to speak yesterday (Valentine's day) about my grandma who passed away and despite a wonderful and long life, it is never easy to say goodbye... she was also 96... and the tears still come even years later... but thankfully so do the smiles at the memories. Anyways... with tears and a heavy heart for you, know that I'm praying for you and your family.
Posted by: Allison Orthner | February 15, 2008 at 06:29 PM
Thinking of you, Jim & the boys as everyone finds the right words to say; the right moments to hug you; and the right ways of explaining things that are happening around you. Your grandpa knows you're there -- for him, for your grandma & for yourself. He knows that you love him, that you admire him & that you will always remember him -- forever. My grandma passed away this past summer -- and it was so incredibly hard to let her go; although I still remember her by her strength and determination for life. I will always remember her for that. Her funeral was not a day of mourning, but a day of Celebration for her wonderful life.
blessings & hugs to you all,
jill
Posted by: Jill | February 15, 2008 at 05:52 PM
Oh Leica - my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family right now. I know exactly how you feel. We are the primary care givers for my husband's aunt and uncle - he is going to be 100 this year and is living in a care home and his wife is 93 and just had hip replacement therapy and today has just gone into the same care home for 2 weeks of respite and recovery time. Last year at this time we didn't think his uncle would live to see Easter. It is so hard to get all those things out that you want to say. I just really feel for you right now. Just know that you have friends that are thinking of you and praying for you going through this time.
Posted by: Carole | February 15, 2008 at 05:47 PM
Oh my friendm I'm sorry to hear your heart is hurting.
But wow! What an incredible story of love, friendship and family you have to tell. A generational bond that tight is a rarity. I know that you treasure it deeply.
I will pray for you & your family ... that you will all know peace through this difficult time. OK?
HUGS!
Posted by: Cari Locken | February 15, 2008 at 05:43 PM
Oh Leica, my heart aches for you. Just remember what a wonderful life your Grandpa had, and the special times you had with him. Celebrate the great times, and know that when the time comes he will always be there with you, and will watch over you!
Posted by: Jennifer Fast | February 15, 2008 at 04:37 PM
Saucy will be out of town for a few more days - but I will pass along your story about your Grandpa and with it our good thoughts to you. Stay strong - you have a bear hug from saucy (and me too) xoxo Thank you for your kid words on her blog. The Fan
Posted by: Marygrace Semenoff | February 15, 2008 at 02:41 PM
My Dear Friend,
I am so sorry that you have this valley to walk through now. I know how very much you love your Grandpa and I'm sure that he knows too, eventhough medical staff may say he isn't aware. I will pray that God gives your family peace & strength during this difficult time.
I'm here if you need anything.
Posted by: Jody | February 15, 2008 at 02:21 PM